I was recently given an assignment. I am in deep panic about it.

You see, in my life as an elf I haven’t actually done anything.

I’m not one of those elves in Santa’s workshop. Those elves have skills and can make things with their hands. I don’t know any elf over there who cannot fix things or figure things out.

I’m not like that.

I couldn’t find my way out of a paper box and the only thing I’ve ever made is fun of people. For me, I find the instructions for Pop Tarts challenging.

The same thing can be said of elves in the Sleigh Department. Those are some smart elves. They build things and do math at the same time.

They make flying sleighs that go faster than the speed of sound. I make noises that go the speed of sound. But that doesn’t speak to any real talents that I have.

You see, my job has been in the news business. My tools are a keyboard and my limited wit.

My job, on a daily basis at least, has been to deal with the letters we get from non-believers. I engage in the battle of nitwits.

I guess none of that looks good on a resume. And it’s a good thing I don’t work in the real world with a real job that requires skills and abilities. All I’m really qualified to do is “Welcome to Walmart…”

That is why I’m scared senseless by this new elf assignment.

Someone, perhaps an elf out of his mind, decided to place me on the Regional Tracking Committee.

That’s a team of elves that oversees the selection process for the Regional Tracking centers for this next year.

I have no qualifications for this.

In fact, when Elf Ernest sent me the email with this assignment I sent it back. “You must mean another Elf Ed Zachary,” I wrote in response, refusing the assignment.

He immediately called me.

“This isn’t optional, Mr. Zachary,” Ernest said. “You’re a director. You cannot refuse an assignment.”

Well.

I’m still trying to find that in my contract.

So I did the only sensible thing an elf could do: I forwarded the email to Santa and said, “If nominated I will not run, if elected I will not serve”.

(I heard that once in a movie and thought it was a cool way to say I won’t do this).

Santa didn’t say much in response. “I saw that movie, too. This isn’t a movie. You’ll do fine.”

So, here I find myself, an elf with no real knowledge, no real skills, no real idea what is needed and having never set foot in a Regional Tracking Center in my life, on the Committee in Charge of this Stuff.

I’m going to show up to our first meeting with a paper bag over my head.

I hope nobody notices I’m there and I’m hoping nobody calls on me to say anything.

What would you do if you were in my position?

Sincerely.

I’m asking for input here.

After Santa refused me I contacted Elf Ernest again and basically asked him the same question.

Elf Ernest told me to relax.

He said the reason the News Department is included in this process is that we have people who will be using the Regional Tracking Centers and will be responsible for reporting the news from each sector. We do not necessarily need to be an influence in selection but we need to know the process and the background that goes into setting up each regional center.

Well.

All that at least makes some sense. In that respect, I can go to the meetings, nod my head a lot and take a few notes.

I can put a thoughtful look on my face as other elves discuss, deliberate and decide on matters I know nothing about. It’s not much but it is one of my unique superpowers.

Stay tuned for more inspiring news from this timid elf.