Hi.

I’m Joel. I’m an elf. I live at the North Pole.

This is the first entry of my new column – an exclusive here at SantaTrackers.net.

Honestly, I’m not sure I want to do this. You see, I’m what they call a reluctant elf.

My Dad is an elf. My grandparents are elves. My great-grandpa was an elf. And his father was an elf.

But I’m not sure I want to be an elf.

You understand, right?

Well, maybe you don’t. Most of you were not born at the North Pole. Most of you have not lived day-in and day-out all the days of your life in the world of elves.

Sometimes I just want to be a regular person.

But enough about me. Let’s get down to why I’m here.

My elf job is one so many elves want – except me. I don’t hate my job. Honestly I don’t. I just don’t think I deserve this job.

My official elf job is to work on Santa’s office staff. My role there is to track Santa. Hahaha, that’s a joke. I track Santa in the sense that I keep his calendar. So, it’s my job to tell Santa where to go all the time.

Some think that is funny when I say that. But the truth is that Santa is a very, very busy man. He needs elves like me.

Santa actually has a very large office staff. Most really important people do. In Santa’s case, his staff is necessary to keep him moving to all the places he needs to go, to meet the right people he needs to be with and to keep him on track with all the stuff he wants to do.

My job just happens to be his calendar.

Some people – even other elves – think this is a privileged position, like working in Santa’s workshop. They think that because I see Santa almost every day (I travel with him a great deal) and that I know almost everything he is doing at any given that I’m important and that my entire days must be filled with candy canes and sugar plums.

But believe me. It’s not at all a big deal. It’s work. A job.

What I do is important. But it’s not important like being a doctor, or a teacher or one of those jobs where you get to help a lot of people.

The job I do helps one guy. That guy happens to be Santa Claus.

I know it is a privileged thing I do. After all, how many elves can say their direct supervisor is Santa himself?

But from where I’m coming from it isn’t all that special.

I grew up here at the North Pole. My Dad worked in Santa’s workshop for many years. He was the lead woodworker. He worked side-by-side with Santa for decades on a billion kagillion projects.

As a kid, Santa came to my house. He ate BBQ with us. He pooped in our bathroom.

Yeah, not your ordinary Santa experience.

You see, living at the North Pole, at least in the eyes of people who have never been here, is like living in a snow globe. They think it is all Christmas all the time. They think eggnog flows in the rivers, that candy canes grow on trees and that Rudolph actually talks to people.

He doesn’t, by the way. He’s actually a very shy and private guy. He glows that red nose at people who approach him in public as a way to say “STOP!”. They never do though. Rudolph can’t catch a break when people are around. He just wants to be left alone most of the time.

I get him.

Living at the North Pole is not the picnic you think it is.

And neither is being Santa’s calendar guy.

Some days I think I am the only guy in the world that still uses a pencil. Santa’s calendar is filled with eraser marks because his schedule always changes. I use a lot of pencils and it’s usually the rubber end.

All this is my way of saying things aren’t always holly berries and Christmas trees at the North Pole and in the life of a working elf.

That’s all. I still want everyone to have a Merry Christmas.

But at the same time I envy those who can just hang their stockings and wait for Santa to come one night every year.

That does not mean I hate my elf life.

It just means sometimes I want to be just Joel – normal guy. Boring dude. Mr. Ordinary.

So what is Santa doing now?

Well, he’s packing his bags.

And so am I.

Every November, right after Halloween, Santa hits the road. He is intent on meeting with people, especially children all over the world.

Between now and Christmas Eve Santa will be “out there” – well, except for a few times he comes back to the North Pole, like Thanksgiving. He’ll be here for all the traditional stuff we do on Thanksgiving.

And I will be with him. The calendar guy has two jobs with Santa on the road – I get to keep the calendar and I get to, um, help the reindeer find a place to do business. Hey, someone’s got to do it and when Santa is on the road he doesn’t have his whole staff with him. Just those he needs. So we double up on duties.

My job here in writing this column, ironically, is to share with you what it is like to live at the North Pole.

Of course, between now and Christmas I’ll be writing this on the road.

News departments are dumb like this.

You see, and maybe I have already blown it with that statement, but I’ve applied for a different elf job. I want to be a news guy. I like the idea of writing. I may even ask to give that radio or podcast thing a shot.

Anything that doesn’t require a pencil.

But, like most elves, I have to earn it. That means waiting a long time. Taking opportunities as they come. Showing I can do other things while I’m still doing the same old thing.

That’s just how it rolls for elves who want to do different elf things.

I’m sure some of you can understand. I’m sure some of you want to do something more or different than being a tracker elf.

Do any of you want to be the calendar elf for Santa?

Hahaha. I’m just kidding.

I love my job.