Who’s Retiring?

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I was in Crashes chat on Saturday then I heard them talking about Santa’s whereabouts. They said he was at the North Pole Navy talking about things and one of those things was the Elf Retirement.

The one things i’m wondering about is who is retiring? Because I haven’t seen anything suspicious lately. This guy is keeping this real secret till I heard about it. but who could it be? Is it Elf Hugo, head of the North Pole Post Office? Is it someone from the Workshop of making toys? Is it Bernard? Although this might be true this is a really big thing.

But who is retiring? I know a lot of elves I would not even know which one to expect! I have 47 friends! That would take me For-Ev-er! So who’s the elf? I know an elf would never be happy that they were retiring because they love the North Pole! They love working for kids but why do they want to retire? Is it because they are getting older and they think its a great time to do so? That’s fine but why? And who is retiring?

Thank you for reading and get your grill going i’m wishing you all a very merry Christmas in July!

Have a great week and remember!…

STAY JOLLY!

 

Hello from Hamburg

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Fellow elves of Sector 3 – I send you greetings from Hamburg, Germany where we have arrived just hours ago via express sleigh from the North Pole. We are fresh off the Elf Supervisors Meeting and we’re excited to be in what will be our home for the next three months.

When I left, I was told that North Pole Flight Command would make the announcement. They did! So now we can get down to business.

I have roughly 440 elves here with me – and we’re anxious to get to work. Santa has asked that we get up and running by August 1st, but I plan to get there earlier than that if we can. There is much to be done.

This is a big city. It’s lovely here. I’m told it’s a Christmas city, one of the biggest and the best in all of Germany. So we are very excited to learn about the area and get settled in.

It’s surprising. The cities being chosen this year are bigger than ever, and no where near as remote. I’ve never worked in a place so big.

It’ll be interesting. I’m a little concerned that the public might find us. North Pole Security is meeting with us first thing this week to talk about that. We are a large team here in Sector 3. It might prove difficult for them all to keep quiet about where we are. We’ll see.

In any event, I’m confident in our prospects going forward. It will be great to get setup, get connected and start with the business of Tracking Santa for Santa.

India Here We Come

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Greetings from the sleigh! We’re in flight right now, headed to our new Regional Tracking Center home for Sector 2 this year – Kochi, India!

Kochi is so ideally suited for us in Sector 2. It is fairly central to the middle of our sector, which just happens to be the biggest in the world.

We have access to everything here: great food, high-speed fiber Internet, a local eggnog producer, full reindeer facilities, sleigh repair, and some of the biggest artificial Christmas trees in all the world. Yes, Kochi knows how to celebrate Christmas.

We have all the plans in place and we’ve been charged with getting it all set up by the end of July. But here’s a news flash for you kids: we’re going to get this baby up in under a week.

I have been here so much the past several months that I know everything that needs to get done. I’m guessing we’ll be the first sector with a fully functional Regional Tracking Center set up. That’s how confident that I am.

So hang tight. We’re going to be in business here real fast. And once we get up and running my plan is to put you trackers to work right away.

Honors for Sector 1

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Elves of Sector 1, I have great news.

First, and you likely already know this, the location of our Regional Tracking Center this year will be in Otaru, Japan. Announced yesterday by North Pole Flight Command, I was informed of this decision during a fun little ceremony here at the Elf Supervisor meeting.

I’m very excited to be heading to Japan on Saturday by express sleigh. This is one of the locations I personally scouted several months ago and I’m very excited to go.

Also, Sector 1 was named the Sector of the Year by the executive team at North Pole Flight Command for the work we did last Christmas.

We were the sector that most improved overall performance and even Santa himself said, “The work in Sector 1 cannot be applauded enough. Without their efficiency and robust Christmas spirit there is no way a new sleigh speed record was set and no way the accomplishments of last year’s ride could have been made.”

This is great! I’m so proud of you all and thankful for another opportunity to do even better this year.

Be sure to hang out for the next several weeks, guys. We’ve got lots of great news coming as we track Santa again!

Getting Down to Business

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Well, as you maybe have read, the stuff of getting settled on the Regional Tracking Centers is done.

Some of you might be happy.

They really took your suggestions seriously. I think a few of you might be pleasantly surprised.

As for me, well, I couldn’t care less.

I’m in the news business. Where things like this happen does not matter to me. It’s WHEN things happen that matters to me.

The Regional Tracking Centers will all be in business now very soon. Once they are, my news teams have a place to work in each sector. And that is all that is important.

We can finally get down to business.

The news department here at the North Pole, like every department, takes our duties seriously. We want you to be informed.

That’s why we’re grateful for elves like Elf Westover, who decided on his own to launch his own video news channel. That’s awesome. It gets the word of Santa and the North Pole out there.

We want to encourage elves of all kinds to do it.

Just do it like he does. He asks for news. He wants to do it right so he checks in with Elf Crash a lot. And sometimes with me too. Because he wants it to meet Santa’s expectations.

We really appreciate that. It makes the work the rest of us do a lot easier.

The Regional Tracking Center announcements, to me, are one of the biggest markers of the year. When those are done it’s like everything steps on the gas when it comes to Operation Merry Christmas.

The first half of the year while goofy committees like this one piddle around trying to make a decision the time seems to just crawl. But once they get it done it’s a like a bomb going off.

We suddenly get super busy.

And that is where we’re at right now.

What does that mean for you, a tracker elf?

It means the fun is just starting.

Now, I don’t want to take anything away from Elf Crash. He’s your leader and I don’t know anything other than the news business. So what I’m about to tell you is just advice.

Going forward your Elf Supervisor is going to be asking you to do a few things. It’s not much.

But it’s really important.

In order to do what they are asking – and in order for you to really help Santa – you need to know what’s going on.

That’s where I come in. It is our job in the news department to inform you. We do that through our Official North Pole websites.

There is SantaUpdate.com, the largest and longest running North Pole news website in the world. Everyone goes there and not just elves. You need to visit it DAILY from this point forward.

There is this site – SantaTrackers.net – which is just for tracker elves. That’s right, you guys have this one site for exclusive news that is just for elves. Occasionally you get news here that is not available to the public.

Then there is NorthPoleFlightCommand.com. That’s got news on it, yes, but it does a lot more than what you see. That site, you see, is what connects all the Regional Tracking Centers to the North Pole. It’s the mother ship. Did you know that on Christmas Eve it becomes the largest mobile network in the world? It connects not only all the regional tracking centers to the North Pole but also all the ships of the North Pole Navy and all the sleighs of the North Pole Air Force. All the news elves working remote locations on Christmas Eve use this same portal.

And nobody outside of this huge network is even aware of it. NorthPoleFlightCommand.com is the glue that holds all the moving pieces of Operation Merry Christmas together. As an elf, you should know that.

Now, we have other Official North Pole websites but those are the ones you, a tracker elf, really needs to know and to visit with regularity.

Because they are all going to get buzzing. Very soon.

Santa Tracker Map is Back Online

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The tracker map at SantaTrackers.net has been re-activated.

Starting Monday, July 1st, tracking of test flights of Santa’s sleigh “go global” according to Elf Buck Sanchez, Director of Flight Operations at North Pole Flight Command.

Flight Command has been pretty tight lipped about the exact schedule in the days or weeks ahead. However, I’m told the first week will be dedicated to “speed trials”.

Speed trials are a test of the high end speed of the sleigh. The sleighs doing these flights will be empty. The test is to push the sleigh as fast as it can go and to see how it handles.

They want to do these tests in fairly stable weather. So they will be running west to east, just north of the equator. Those flights start Monday July 1st.

Of course, weather forecasts are being watched and those plans could change.

The sleigh will be taking a more conventional course of test flights beginning next week. We are awaiting word of which sector they plan to fly in.

We will keep you posted.

Christmas in July Chat for Trackers

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Happy Leon Day from the North Pole! On the direction from Elf Crash Murphy I have been asked to announce the first tracker elf chat of Christmas in July. It will be happening this Saturday, June 29 at 11am EST in Elf Chat here on SantaTrackers.net.

Elf Crash Murphy will host the chat and is announcing he will be having a secret special guest to kick off this Christmas in July celebration.

The general theme of the chat will be “How to get started Tracking Santa for Santa 2024”. Crash will be happy as well to answer any and all questions you might have.

Also, announcements will be forthcoming from SantaUpdate.com relative to Christmas in July celebrations both at the North Pole and around the world.

We hope you can join us for these events.

North Pole Navy Deploys

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The good ships of the North Pole Navy have been dispatched to the oceans of the world.

According to Elf Buck Sanchez, Flight Director at the North Pole, North Pole Flight Command is prepping to start tracking sleigh flights soon. He said that began with the North Pole Navy receiving orders to deploy.

Last Christmas Eve, six ships of the North Pole Navy were used to support Santa’s Christmas Eve flight. Elf Buck Sanchez said he could not disclose which ships were deployed or where they are being sent. This is normal for the test flight phase of Operation Merry Christmas. The ships left ports near the North Pole this week.

What this really means is that test flights are beginning soon. We have known about for several months that the first week of June was the original target to begin the test flights.

We have had hundreds of reindeer in training at the North Pole, nearly all of them part of the test flights teams assigned to power the test flights of Santa’s new sleigh.

All of this is a very good sign. It means that Operation Merry Christmas is on track and going well.

This is, of course, good information for Santa trackers. Test flight operations mean that the Santa tracking season has begun. Elf Buck did not say when the tracking map might be open but we’re expecting an announcement any day now.

As more news becomes available we will, of course, update you.

Regional Tracking Center Update

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Why was I even worried?

I was scared witless over being assigned to the Regional Tracking Committee because it totally put me out of my elf comfort zone. I vowed to show up with a paper bag over my head.

I could have shown up with lit sparklers in my ears for all it mattered. Nobody knew I was even there.

That’s partly because this committee is huge. Dozens and dozens of elves like me were assigned to this group and most of the elves there were just like me: entirely clueless.

I could not believe the first order of business. The Committee was charged with “whittling the list down to” just 2500 prospective locations.

Yes, they wanted it down to “just” 500 candidate per sector.

Somehow, they came up with more than 4000 altogether.

It’s amazing. I went to one meeting, sat in a big room with lots of other elves, I did absolutely nothing, and they already had 4000 candidate locations.

Within about two weeks of looking over these 4000 ideas, the executive level committee – I’m guessing that’s Santa, Elf Ernest, Elf Roger Star and other hot shot elves – called another meeting and told us that they had eliminated 3000 of those suggestions and asked for more.

That’s when they decided to get your ideas.

And our tracker elves responded, bless their hearts.

We had elves like little Timmy Halstrom, of Knickerbocker, Texas, home of the Sweetwater Ranch. Timmy is 11 and a four-year veteran of tracking Santa for Santa.

Timmy’s idea was to put the Sector 5 Regional Tracking Center at the Sweetwater Ranch. “We have an 85-inch big screen TV and I’m pretty sure my Dad would let you guys use it on Christmas Eve.”

Honestly, 85-inches is kind of small for a Regional Tracking Center but someone at Flight Command liked Timmy’s idea and actually contacted his father, Jared, to see if the offer was serious. Jared knew nothing about it and protested. “You can’t have my big screen on Christmas Eve! That’s when we watch Elf!”

Well, now.

Timmy’s suggestion isn’t quite off the table yet. He’s still on the list of potential sites. But there are details yet to work out.

But I’ve learned a lot from those of you who are giving this some thought.

Some of you have suggested the same location. For example, many of you think Rudolph, Wisconsin should host a regional tracking center.

I’m guessing that’s because of the name, Rudolph. It’s still on the list too.

But here’s the deal: Santa, in helping to cull the names down to just 1000, said that we need at least another 1500 new recommendations.

So keep those ideas coming in. They are ALL getting looked at.

As for me, well, I’m no longer nervous about all this. They haven’t asked me a thing and I don’t think they are going to.

A lot is supposed to happen over the next month or so. They’ve got to get this list down to the top ten in each sector (so, 50 names altogether) by Leon Day. That’s June 24th.

That means a lot more names need to be recommended, a lot more scouts need to be sent out, a lot more photos and videos need to be taken, etc etc etc.

By Leon Day we should have ten recommendations in each sector and a good idea of what’s going to happen before announcements are made for Christmas in July.

Maybe by then someone will ask me what I think.

And maybe by then I’ll actually have an opinion.

I still have no idea what I’m doing or even why this is important.

But it’s a big deal. So many elves are working on this.

Santa Tracker Update 2024

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Santa Trackers Podcast
Santa Tracker Podcast
Santa Tracker Update 2024
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A Santa tracker update comes to you in the form of a new podcast episode from Elves Frank Myrrh and Crash Murphy.

This discussion focuses on the details of Santa’s record-breaking flight last Christmas and what it means for future flights for Santa. Crash discusses why Santa is so quiet right now and why he is hesitant to say many things publicly.

Also addressed are concerns for Elf Frank Myrrh, who took some time off to deal with an illness, and an update of this year’s North Pole Radio News schedule.

Elf Crash talks a bit about the road forward for tracker elves and how this year will move forward.

Elf Chat Recap

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Elf Crash Murphy stopped in to Elf Chat this week for a brief discussion to catch up on things. Talked about was St. Patrick’s Day, a weird airplane flight to LA for Crash, and answering difficult mail that comes in from non-believers.

sugarcookie77Good morning!
Elf Crash MurphyHey y’all
sugarcookie77How are you, Elf Crash?
Elf Crash MurphyDoing really well! How are you sugar cookie?
sugarcookie77Glad to hear it! I’m doing well, thanks!
Elf Crash MurphyFrank seems to be having trouble getting on
sugarcookie77I hope he’s able to figure it out! It took me a little while to find Elf Chat with the new website layout.
Elf Crash MurphyThat’s why we do the chat!
Elf Frank MyrrhWell, that was fun.
Elf Crash MurphyAh, there you are…!
sugarcookie77Good morning, Elf Frank! How are you?
Elf Frank MyrrhI’m doing very well. Nice to see you Sugar Cookie! How are you?
sugarcookie77I’m glad to hear that, and thank you, it’s nice to see you too! I’m doing well, thanks!
Elf Frank MyrrhCrash, do we have a plan for this chat today?
Elf Crash MurphyYou mean like a theme or something?
Elf Frank MyrrhYeah, what are we talking about?
Elf Crash MurphyI dunno. No theme really. We haven’t shared any news for a while, cause we haven’t had a chance to. But really I think this was meant to be more of a check in and how-do-you-do kind of affair.
Elf Frank MyrrhIt is not like there has been a great deal to share either, Crash. Pretty normal for this time of year.
Elf Crash MurphyYessir. We’ve got at least another month of this kind of quiet.
Elf Frank MyrrhRight. It’s amazing what happens in May. All of a sudden people start to remember Christmas is coming.
Elf Crash MurphyYes. Even my mail has become slow. I never thought it would go back to normal again, but it has the past couple of months.
Elf Frank MyrrhI know you were a bit worried about that at one time. Got a handle on it now?
Elf Crash MurphyWell yes and no. I’m still getting some questions and things that are new to me. Stuff guys like Santa get all the time that usually pass me by. So I still struggle with how to handle all of it.
Elf Frank MyrrhReally? Like what?
Elf Crash MurphyI think the hard ones for me are those who write in to say Santa didn’t visit them or did not bring them what they wanted for Christmas. Those are not fun to deal with.
Elf Frank MyrrhSo how do you deal with them?
Elf Crash MurphySome of them I talk to Elf Ed Zachary about. He’s dealt with those things a lot.
Elf Frank MyrrhOh boy.
Elf Crash MurphyYeah, he’s gets a little impatient with some of those letter writers.
Elf Frank MyrrhIs it because they can sometimes be a little bitter or mean?
Elf Crash MurphyYes, and he has no problem throwing it back at them. But that’s not me. I’d rather tell them a knock knock joke or something. You know? Something to lighten things up.
Elf Frank MyrrhYou’re definitely not a confrontational kind of guy, Crash. Do you get a lot of back and forth when you answer this stuff or do you just end the conversation?
Elf Crash MurphyI don’t end it…but after I explain what I can that usually ends it. They usually don’t write back after I respond. Except this one kid from New Jersey. Little Roscoe. Dude won’t leave me alone. He doesn’t believe in Santa but his questions are ENDLESS.
Elf Frank MyrrhMaybe he just believes in Elf Crash Murphy.
Elf Crash MurphyOh good golly, no.
Elf Frank MyrrhGive yourself a little credit, Crash. A lot of people out there really appreciate your work.
Elf Crash MurphyIt’s not really work, Frank. I don’t know how to be anyone but me. And I find it challenging sometimes to be me and do the job Santa wants. I don’t know how he does it.
Elf Frank MyrrhWell, how is Santa? I still haven’t seen him yet since he’s been home. I know he’s super busy.
Elf Crash MurphyHe is, Frank. I think Santa has a big agenda and he’s getting around to people as best he can. I have seen him a little but not really that much more than you. I suspect our time is coming.
Elf Frank MyrrhCrash, I keep getting questions from people – tracker elves – about Santa’s message for them.
Elf Crash MurphyOh yes, I do too.
Elf Frank MyrrhWhen is Santa going to speak?
Elf Crash MurphyI think he’s waiting until more trackers are around – like May, Frank. I haven’t been able to talk to him about it.
Elf Frank MyrrhMaybe you should say something about it.
Elf Crash MurphyI’ve had that thought. Even talked to Elf Ernest about it. But I keep feeling like I need to wait.
Elf Frank MyrrhSo what about all the messages some elves are sending you?
Elf Crash MurphyI’m telling them to just be patient. That Santa will speak up when the time is right.
Elf Frank MyrrhIs that satisfying them?
Elf Crash MurphyNo.
Elf Frank MyrrhLOL. I thought it was just me.
Elf Crash MurphyYou get mail, Frank?
Elf Frank MyrrhJust about you and Santa, Crash.
Elf Crash MurphyHahaha – yeah, right!
Elf Crash MurphyElf Sugar Cookie, do you have a question for Frank and I today?
Elf Frank MyrrhI’m not the one doing questions, Crash. This is all about you.
Elf Crash MurphyOh be quiet, Frank. If Sugar Cookie has a question I know you’ll answer it if you can.
Elf Frank MyrrhI’m just a little old radio elf, Crash. I’m only here because Max couldn’t come today.
Elf Crash MurphyWhat’s up with Maxy?
sugarcookie77I’m not sure! I think you guys covered a lot! I was going to ask if Elf Trixie was ok, as we hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I saw she posted something today. Other than that… do you guys have any plans for St. Patrick’s Day? I know not every elf celebrates.
sugarcookie77Oh, is Elf Max ok?
Elf Frank MyrrhOh we knew he’d have some time problems this time of year with school and all. He’ll be back soon.
Elf Frank MyrrhMy St. Patrick’s Day plans are simple. I’m checking to see if Crash wears green. If he doesn’t I get to pinch him.
sugarcookie77LOL
Elf Crash MurphyMy only plans are to throw potatoes at Frank’s house.
Elf Frank MyrrhHahaha!
sugarcookie77LOL- watch out, Elf Frank!
Elf Frank MyrrhWhat about you Sugar Cookie?
Elf Crash MurphyYeah, do you do anything for St. Patrick’s Day?
sugarcookie77Not much out of the ordinary! I’ll probably just wear green and eat Lucky Charms cereal. Lol
sugarcookie77Thanks for asking!
Elf Frank MyrrhCrash, I heard you were experimenting with some things for St. Patrick’s Day.
Elf Crash MurphyYes, I made green milk and put it on my Cheerios. Kind of disgusting.
sugarcookie77Lol, how did you make green milk?
Elf Frank MyrrhUh…oh. Wow, Crash. Words fail. You don’t do Lucky Charms, too?
Elf Crash MurphyJust used some food coloring. But it made my Cheerios look kind of barfy.
Elf Crash MurphyNo, I should have done Lucky Charms. That makes so much sense to me now.
Elf Frank MyrrhDo it change the taste?
Elf Crash MurphyNot really. But it didn’t look appetizing, Frank. I had a hard time choking it down.
Elf Frank MyrrhI guess we better work on our St. Patrick’s Day game a little bit.
Elf Crash MurphyYes, it’s not really a tradition most elves at the North Pole get into. I think that disappoints some people out there.
Elf Frank MyrrhElf Ed Zachary was going to write an article about it but Elf Ernest killed it.
Elf Crash MurphyHe did?
Elf Frank MyrrhYes. Elf Ed Zachary told me Ernest said he was being too harsh in the article.
Elf Crash MurphyWow. I didn’t think anyone shut down Ed Zachary.
Elf Frank MyrrhWell if anyone could do it, it would be Elf Ernest.
Elf Crash MurphySo I take it Elf Ed Zachary is not a fan of St. Patrick’s Day?
Elf Frank MyrrhNope. I read the article. He slammed it pretty good.
Elf Crash MurphyOh. Well, I guess it’s a good thing it’s not out there then. A lot of people really have a lot of fun with St. Patrick’s Day.
Elf Frank MyrrhI think that’s the gist of what Elf Ernest told him. You know, not to spoil it for others.
Elf Frank MyrrhBut, Elf Ed Zachary was approaching it from a North Pole perspective. I get why he might have been upset a little bit.
Elf Crash MurphyHas anyone ever confused you for a leprechaun, Frank?
Elf Frank MyrrhNo. Has that happened to you?
Elf Crash MurphyYes. I had to take a flight about a week ago – you know, a regular airplane? – from Sydney to Los Angeles. I was asked if I was a leprechaun.
Elf Frank MyrrhNo way!
Elf Crash MurphyWay. It was awkward.
Elf Frank MyrrhYou were not dressed…well, as yourself?
sugarcookie77That sounds very awkward. If you don’t mind me asking, what was the flight for?
Elf Crash MurphyI was. I’m a fairly normal looking person, Frank. It was warm, kinda. Had on Birkenstocks and shorts. T-shirt. How is that like an leprechaun?
Elf Frank MyrrhYou’re not a normal looking person, Crash.
Elf Crash MurphyHey
sugarcookie77Ouch
Elf Frank MyrrhNo, I’m not being mean here, Crash.
Elf Frank MyrrhWhat I mean, and maybe its because we’re elves…you have a unique look. I don’t know anything about leprechauns but maybe you look like one and don’t know it?
Elf Crash MurphyFrank, I didn’t have a stitch of green on. No glittery hats. Nothing leprechaun like at all.
Elf Frank MyrrhSo why did they think you were a leprechaun.
Elf Crash MurphyI have no idea. Although he was drinking quite a bit on the flight. I don’t think it was water, either.
Elf Frank MyrrhOh. Did you mention to him you are an elf?
Elf Crash MurphyWeeeeellllllll, I maybe kinda sorta could have let that slip a little tiny bit.
Elf Frank MyrrhOh….I see
Elf Crash MurphyOk, it was my fault.
Elf Crash MurphyAnd he asked me about my pot of gold.
Elf Crash MurphyAnd I told him to go drink green milk.
Elf Frank MyrrhLol, so this guy really irritated you, Crash?
Elf Crash MurphyYeah, he got on my nerves and I made the whole thing worse.
sugarcookie77LOL!! Between you telling him you’re an elf and (especially) the non-water part, I understand the mix-up. Sorry that happened to you
Elf Frank MyrrhWhy did you take a regular airplane anyway?
Elf Crash MurphyBecause I got done there early and I had sent my sleigh off with the reindeer to South America for a few days for the reindeer. Didn’t think I would need them.
Elf Crash MurphyAnd I just was really ready to get out of Australia.
Elf Frank MyrrhAnd go to LA???!!!
Elf Crash MurphyIt was the first flight I could get. I couldn’t get any closer to South America than that quickly.
Elf Frank MyrrhWhat business did you have in Australia?
Elf Crash MurphyA meeting with Elf Randi. We were going to scout some islands near Samoa. But she had a family thing come up and I was suddenly done there.
Elf Frank MyrrhAh, I see. Adventures of the International Director of Santa Trackers
Elf Crash MurphyYes, that’s my world now….sick weirdos on a flight to LA….
Elf Frank MyrrhFolks, any last questions for Crash?
Elf Crash MurphyFrank, we need to finish our last podcast
sugarcookie77Come to think of it, are you guys doing anything for Easter? That’s coming up pretty soon!
Elf Frank MyrrhYou mean start over?
Elf Crash MurphyYes, I mean that. I promise not to talk about that stuff again.
elf radarHi Elf Crash. Sorry I was so late. Thanks for doing this chat.
sugarcookie77Hi Elf Radar! Good to see you!
Elf Crash MurphyHi Elf Radar! Nice to see you, friend!
Elf Frank MyrrhYeah, Crash. We need to stay on topic. This week?
Elf Crash MurphyLet’s do it, Frank. Weenies, my office. Wednesday.
sugarcookie77I’m looking forward to hearing the podcast!
Elf Crash MurphyI’ll bring the green milk.
sugarcookie77LOL
Elf Frank MyrrhHahaha – I’ll pass, Crash.
Elf Frank MyrrhOkay everyone, thanks for being here today!
Elf Crash MurphyYes, thank you elves Sugar Cookie and Radar!
Elf Frank MyrrhBye all!
sugarcookie77Thank you both for doing this chat! It was so nice to be here with you!
Elf Crash MurphyAdios!

Over My Head

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I was recently given an assignment. I am in deep panic about it.

You see, in my life as an elf I haven’t actually done anything.

I’m not one of those elves in Santa’s workshop. Those elves have skills and can make things with their hands. I don’t know any elf over there who cannot fix things or figure things out.

I’m not like that.

I couldn’t find my way out of a paper box and the only thing I’ve ever made is fun of people. For me, I find the instructions for Pop Tarts challenging.

The same thing can be said of elves in the Sleigh Department. Those are some smart elves. They build things and do math at the same time.

They make flying sleighs that go faster than the speed of sound. I make noises that go the speed of sound. But that doesn’t speak to any real talents that I have.

You see, my job has been in the news business. My tools are a keyboard and my limited wit.

My job, on a daily basis at least, has been to deal with the letters we get from non-believers. I engage in the battle of nitwits.

I guess none of that looks good on a resume. And it’s a good thing I don’t work in the real world with a real job that requires skills and abilities. All I’m really qualified to do is “Welcome to Walmart…”

That is why I’m scared senseless by this new elf assignment.

Someone, perhaps an elf out of his mind, decided to place me on the Regional Tracking Committee.

That’s a team of elves that oversees the selection process for the Regional Tracking centers for this next year.

I have no qualifications for this.

In fact, when Elf Ernest sent me the email with this assignment I sent it back. “You must mean another Elf Ed Zachary,” I wrote in response, refusing the assignment.

He immediately called me.

“This isn’t optional, Mr. Zachary,” Ernest said. “You’re a director. You cannot refuse an assignment.”

Well.

I’m still trying to find that in my contract.

So I did the only sensible thing an elf could do: I forwarded the email to Santa and said, “If nominated I will not run, if elected I will not serve”.

(I heard that once in a movie and thought it was a cool way to say I won’t do this).

Santa didn’t say much in response. “I saw that movie, too. This isn’t a movie. You’ll do fine.”

So, here I find myself, an elf with no real knowledge, no real skills, no real idea what is needed and having never set foot in a Regional Tracking Center in my life, on the Committee in Charge of this Stuff.

I’m going to show up to our first meeting with a paper bag over my head.

I hope nobody notices I’m there and I’m hoping nobody calls on me to say anything.

What would you do if you were in my position?

Sincerely.

I’m asking for input here.

After Santa refused me I contacted Elf Ernest again and basically asked him the same question.

Elf Ernest told me to relax.

He said the reason the News Department is included in this process is that we have people who will be using the Regional Tracking Centers and will be responsible for reporting the news from each sector. We do not necessarily need to be an influence in selection but we need to know the process and the background that goes into setting up each regional center.

Well.

All that at least makes some sense. In that respect, I can go to the meetings, nod my head a lot and take a few notes.

I can put a thoughtful look on my face as other elves discuss, deliberate and decide on matters I know nothing about. It’s not much but it is one of my unique superpowers.

Stay tuned for more inspiring news from this timid elf.