The Dumb of Fake Trackers

A couple of weeks ago Elf Moe alerted me to the resignation of a new elf who had signed up just weeks before Halloween. This elf was leaving because “other Santa trackers are more fun”. She said she simply did not believe our merry little website and was leaving to a place where she could play games.

Honestly, I’m glad to be rid of her.

She dotted her i’s with little hearts, asked 9000 questions that have already been answered if she’d just go to Elf University, and she wanted special favors from Santa just because she was an elf who had not ever done anything.

We try real hard to find honest elves.

We teach them about the Elf Code and have them take the Elf Oath. We have elves who do chats and podcasts. And we supply news, direct from the North Pole, and get direction from Santa himself when it comes to our tracking duties.

But none of that was enough for this elf.

She left for the greener pastures of Norad or Google Santa Tracker.

Well, let me tell ya something: those green pastures are fake grass. Fake news. And at the end of it all our former elf friend will find a plastic taste in her mouth put there by people who don’t have a clue when it comes to tracking Santa.

I mean no disrespect to the good people at Norad or Google, or any other place that claims to track Santa.

But honestly, how dumb do you gotta be to go there?

Those guys follow Santa using the same technology that is used for the weather. You think tracking Santa is as simple as tracking a cloud? Have you ever seen how slowly a cloud moves?

But that’s all they have at Norad and Google.

Yeah, they try to make up for it by having fancy maps and flashy games and cartoonish graphics.

But at the end of it all, there’s a hollow empty feeling to everything with those guys.

It’s not really their fault.

Oh, they have money. Santa tracking with them is brought to you by big corporate sponsors who slap logos on everything. They call it all a “public service”.

But the heart and soul there is black, cold and, well, heartless and soulless.

What we do here is purpose-driven. We’re not just tracking Santa. We’re helping Santa to be Santa.

That means a lot more than just seeing all the whiz-bang by multi-national corporations or military units with nothing to do.

But to get to the heart of it all you gotta be an elf.

An elf!

Someone who works for Santa. Someone who knows what is going on at the North Pole. Someone educated in the art of Operation Merry Christmas. Someone who wants to help Santa help the world.

Why would you give that up to play games?

Not everyone is cut out to be an elf. And that’s okay. We don’t wish anything bad on old Elf Goofy Butt. May she get her jollies tracking Santa on fake trackers. At the end of the day, it changes nothing for us.

And it changes nothing for the world.

It does nothing to help Santa help others.

She’ll get her reward.

I personally hope she has a tiny stocking.

Let’s keep all expectations in line here.

About this Elf: Elf Ed Zachary

Elf Ed Zachary is Director of News at the North Pole. He oversees all North Pole news outlets - newspapers, websites, radio and television stations.

Ed Zachary has been a force in North Pole journalism for decades, having served for years as a columnist for the North Pole Gazette. He is known as the Defender of Santa Claus, taking on all doubters and scoffers of Santa and his Christmas effort.

As part of his news duties Elf Ed Zachary contributes "news about the news" at the North Pole for the Santa Tracker Herald Star.