The Dumb Stuff of AI

Have you noticed all the use of AI in everything right now?

School teachers and college professors are beside themselves with how many students these days use ChatGPT or some other kind of “artificial Intelligence” to do their homework assignments.

AI is being used in everything from buying tickets for shows or for transportation; to book hotel rooms or other travel arrangements; or to plan for inventories or to purchase advertising.

AI is the use of advanced computer technology to make regular tasks easier to do through computers.

At the North Pole we are guilty of embracing AI, too.

Right now, over at SantaUpdate.com, you can see an AI project put together by Elf Z and his team at North Pole Flight Command.

They call it ElfBot.

ElfBot is an AI tool for interacting with visitors at SantaUpdate.com.

In the few days it has been online we have seen ElfBot answer thousands of questions in conversational style.

AI is pretty cool because it “learns”, so they say. Elf Z was showing me that new questions used with ElfBot in just a few days have already made ElfBot smarter. It will only continue to improve with the answers it gives as more people ask additional questions.

That being said, I would tell you straight up that ElfBot is a moron. An idiot. And a fraud.

You see, AI is good — but it is also bad.

For example, a site visitor at SantaUpdate.com asked ElfBot what kind of milk shake elves like. Well, ElfBot had no idea what a milk shake even is, much less what kind of milk shake is most popular with elves (eggnog, by the way).

That’s because ElfBot was made to answer questions about Santa, Christmas, the North Pole, reindeer, elves and whatever else Elf Z and his band of geniuses programmed ElfBot to do.

Evidently, milk shakes were not on the learning plan for ElfBot.

So, when it came to milk shakes for elves, well, ElfBot is pretty worthless.

And that is what makes AI bad. It has no judgment. No heart. No feeling. And, despite all that claims that it “learns”, AI has no brains.

It’s a bot, but not an elf.

It has “intelligence” but it’s “artificial”, which is code for – it sucks. It’s terrible. It’s not real. It’s not anything more than a machine.

That’s the thing with AI.

It’s a poop packaged in a golden wrapper. Looks great from far away but when you get too close it just stinks.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Who cares what Elf Ed Zachary thinks about ElfBot? He doesn’t like anybody.

That’s true.

But what does Santa think about ElfBot? Well, surprise – surprise. Santa isn’t a fan.

But Santa is allowing ElfBot at SantaUpdate – and soon we will have an ElfBot right here at SantaTrackers.net – because in it’s present form ElfBot is just a bot. We’re not pretending he’s real. We’re telling everyone upfront that ElfBot is just a tool.

Elf Z and his team have this season to prove whether or not ElfBot is a tool worth keeping around.

I personally don’t think it is going to last. And neither does Santa, by the way.

Why?

Because of the rAIndeer Project.

What’s that?

It was an experimental program that Santa gave the boot to about a year ago.

The rAIndeer Project was an attempt made by the combined forces of the Reindeer Department and the team in Research and Development to bring forward robotic reindeer.

You’ve seen the robotic dogs made by different companies? It was kind of like those – a plastic robot shaped like a reindeer designed to do even the super-reindeer work of Santa’s reindeer.

It didn’t go well.

First of all, they looked ridiculous. They all had a hard, white, plastic body. Lined up, the 10 rAIndeer they made looked like a little army of unfinished clay toys.

Those bodies were filled with electronic computer stuff that gave them incredible capabilities that real reindeer do not have.

For example, each one of the could speak 17 different languages. They could calculate any mathematical equation you could feed it, they could dictate Dickens, play videos, radio stations and podcasts, and they knew by heart every cookie recipe known to man on the planet.

Physically, they were something to behold.

They never got tired, they never slowed down and they could swim in waters down to 30 feet. Volcanoes could not touch them,  tornados could not tear them apart, and snow and ice could not pile up on their thick, plastic and heated surfaces.

Watching them move was something to behold. Against regular reindeer they could jump higher and further, they could run longer, and if an object like a fence or a building got in their way they used complex propulsion motors to just get around it.

So why isn’t Santa using rAIndeer instead of reindeer?

Because they were long on artificial and short on intelligence.

Real reindeer can work as a team, using sleigh bells to power their rhythm. They can judge landing distance, use the trade winds and navigate by the stars in the night sky.

Oh, that’s another thing, too. The rAIndeer were solar powered. They couldn’t fly at night. That was just one reason why Santa said he would never use anything but natural reindeer to fly his sleigh. Santa has to work at night.

The rAIndeer, for all their intelligence, could never figure out how to work with each other.

In fact, when hitched to sleigh the rAIndeer would compete with each other rather than learning to pull together. That meant they could go fast but get nowhere in the process. Each time they went up they ended up flying in circles as their circuitry overloaded and they “flew” to beat each other. Their “intelligence” couldn’t grasp the idea of teamwork.

They had weird names. RuBot, DashBot, DanceBot, PranceBot, VixBot, ComBot, CuBot, DonBot and BlitzBot. Santa just couldn’t call them out and when he tried they all turned their heads and said, “How can I assist you today?” They just didn’t understand the word “go”.

In short, the rAIndeer Project was an utter failure and now their hollowed out bodies are planters in front of the offices of Research and Development (the petunias they hold are lovely).

The rAIndeer Project was secret for a long time but Santa had a video made of the tests they held with the robot reindeer and passed it around to every department considering the use of AI.

Several departments have been messing with this technology. The North Pole Post Office, the Wrapping Department and even North Pole Flight Command were all tinkering with AI.

Santa has made them stop. He put in place a rule: no AI for anything but tools. AI can not be used to develop a replacement for an elf of any kind.

ElfBot is a tool. An imperfect tool. But it’s just that, like any other tool, such as a wrench or a screwdriver.

You, as a tracker elf, could never be replaced by a bot.

Me, as a reporter elf, can never be replaced by a bot.

Reindeer, workshop elves, or any other kind of elf cannot be replaced by AI in any way, shape or form.

You see, as elves, we all have brains AND heart.

Including Santa.

That’s what separates us from AI. That’s what makes our work possible in helping Santa get around the world.

It’s not just because we’re physical. It’s because we’re smart. And we’re important. And we want to serve others.

AI can never do that.

About this Elf: Elf Ed Zachary

Elf Ed Zachary is Director of News at the North Pole. He oversees all North Pole news outlets - newspapers, websites, radio and television stations.

Ed Zachary has been a force in North Pole journalism for decades, having served for years as a columnist for the North Pole Gazette. He is known as the Defender of Santa Claus, taking on all doubters and scoffers of Santa and his Christmas effort.

As part of his news duties Elf Ed Zachary contributes "news about the news" at the North Pole for the Santa Tracker Herald Star.